10 June; Mess Duties

"If anythin' happens?" Thompson looked at him in concern. "What d'you think's goin' to happen, then?" He pulled the lad a little closer to him.

"I don't know...Next time.. I might trip an'.. nobody'll notice t' splash." It was not clear whether the boy meant that he would have done it on purpose or whether he was afraid somebody else might help him trip. He felt he wanted to give up. The fact his birthday would be soon somehow had him feel more miserable because he did miss his home and his parents even if they had not been as warm as he would have wished and even though he had not written them nearly as much as he should have.

"I noticed it last time," Thompson pointed out. "An' you got me trousers all wet for me in return, which is what I call plain ungrateful." He kept stroking de Guarde's back comfortingly. "What d'you usually do on your birthday, then?"

"I'm sorry. I didn' mean ter get them wet. I was jus'.. I don't even quite remember all that happened. I ...I mus've been so drunk I ventured up tops.. an' then fell over." He looked at Thompson, knowing his story had just changed. But it was better so.

".....last birthday.. oh I got so drunk I didn' know sail from hammock. Gone down in t' hold, ter keep meself outta sight and then did it."

"Hey, it's not a problem," Thompson replied. "You was so foxed you couldn't stand up straight, let alone climb a ladder. You never took that header of your own choice, I know that for sure."

"I must have been lucky then. Perhaps it took me a while or I crawled up." He looked at Thompson pausing. "...Would you allow me to get drunk.. somewhere's where nobody can find me..." He knew that was not the answer to solve any problems and not the way to celebrate his birthday, but right now, at this very moment, he was missing drink, he was missing the easy, mindless state that it left him in, he missed not feeling so miserable.

Atleast nobody tried to find the culprits who tipped him over any more. He was safe from needing to lie about that, when the captain asked. Even if he had known who it was now, he would say it was noone. He could say nothing else.

"I dunno. Reckon we might be able to do summat for you." He was loath to let de Guarde drink himself into a mindless stupor; drinking like that never solved anything.

Poor lad really needed some friends. He wondered what had happened between him and Terry Button, if anything.

"..not we. The others don' need ter think 'bout it..or know." He did not want to be disappointed, and avoiding that by not having them know or letting them forget , was the best way to go.

"Jus' you. It won't matter anyway. I'll only be a year older all o' a sudden..least by number."

"An'.. please do somethin' that will let Chase n' Seward of t' hook. Wot' happened weren't their fault... an' we do need all able bodies we can get. 'specially with t' amount of sick we've had. T' ones who got better... well they're still findin' their strength so.. it's better that we don't make it worse." De Guarde leaned back. Perhaps Thompson would not need to worry about him an more and peace would be restored on the ship when he was gone.

He could get everything ready. Write his goodbyes, put them somewhere where others would find them later, and just go. It was a coward's way out, he knew. But if the ship was happier for it.. he was not allowed to talk to Button even. Sewell was kind to him, he thought back fondly. He was an officer and he did not judge him the way the others had. Given, it was due to him being new here.

Everything was a mess and thinking positive just did not work any more. That the captain had been more withdrawn from the scene meant he would never have even noticed him do anything worth something.

"I'll do me best. Can't promise anythin' - like I say, it's up to the Captain to deal with now." He hugged de Guarde a little closer, careful not to squeeze too tight and hurt him. "That ain't everythin' that's botherin' you, though, is it? Why don't you tell me the rest?"

"Nothing." He pulled back. "Because nothing else is wrong. I will bring you my paper later." All of it. He would not need any any more. "So you can practice. You will get my quill to practice with. I will... buy a new one, next we sail to port. " A lie, but otherwise Thompson might disagree on it.

"Until then I can use a pencil. I'm not going to write to me parents." Truth. They would have suffered a great shame and nothing he could write would cause that shame to be any less. "...I think that's all for now. If you need anything else from me that I can give you. Then tell me so. For my money though.. ter get the drink, I can offer you only what I have on me.., since the rest is kept in captain's care. But I will pay for it. You don't need to worry. ...Is that everything covered?" His voice had sounded more detached. His mind has been made and it was now only a matter of time and opportunity.

There was a patter of bare feet over the deck planking and a dismayed-sounding "Oh." Thompson looked up to find Terry Button standing there, an indecisive look on his young face. "I... Sorry," he said, nervously rubbing one bare foot up and down the back of his other leg. "I'll findja later, Buckles."

He turned to go and was stopped by Thompson. "There's no need for you to go anywhere, Button," he said. "I suppose you had something you wanted to say to this young scamp?" He ruffled de Guarde's hair.

De Guarde sighed when he saw Button. He'd been explicitly told to stay away from him. But now he was here, and Thompson had told him that he could stay. If they had met earlier, he could have just kept away.

He fidgeted in his spot, and waited not even setting his own hair back into place, so that it now stood at odd ends, a couple of strands free, a couple half way there.

Terry glanced at the Corporal. He seemed all right, and he'd been talking with Buckles, too. So maybe he could say what he'd come here to say.

"It... I..." he began, fidgeting from one foot to the other nervously. "Ain't fair what Mister Evans said, an' I wish I'd never said nuffin' to anyone 'bout... anyfin'. An'... wanna be your friend 'cause... 'cause you need'n. An', ah shit. It's a bleedin' mess." He shrugged and scratched the back of his neck before mumbling, "Wish Cob'd beat 'im silly afore 'e was stopped, I do."

"George's got no fault in stoppin' it. It bleedin' happened.." He sighed. ".. and you would be better o' without me 'round. You got' inter all sorts of problems, couse of it.... I ain't good. I really ain't good. An' I don't want yer beaten couse of me. "

He did wish Seward had been beaten unconscious. If it was possible, Cattling too. But neither were all that worse for wear.

"Bin beat afore," Terry said, scuffing at the deck with a bare toe. "But it... it ain't right, what 'appened. Ain't right for you to... to only 'ave 'im." He coloured at this point. "Not that there's anyfin' wrong wiv it, jus' that, well, you need uvver folks too."

"Jus' couse you been beat before don't mean you have to be beat some more." De Guarde answered, watching the toe touch wood. "Mister Evans is right. ...I'd jus' be trouble fer you Button. You'm real friendly ter want t' be me friend... but...s' a sacrifice no need ter be taken. Not worth it, Button. Honest." He smiled faintly.

"Won't be lon' an' I promise you you won't need ter worry 'bout me." It hurt to tell Button this, but Evans made himself loud and clear.

"Folks gotta stick togevver, ain't right else," Terry said stubbornly. "Can't 'elp them what don't want it though. An'... Mister Evans ain't right, not 'bout this." Whatever else Mister Evans might be right about, he had got this wrong, very wrong, in Terry's opinion. "Everyone needs friends, an' you got some of them even if you don't want 'em."

"I don't want you hurt. An' if that means I can't have you as a friend couse that will get you hurt, then I dun' want you or anyone else as a friend." He answered haughtily. "I don't want ter see none of you get injured or killed.. couse o' me selfishness."

He shook his head sharply again. "Button. Is' going to be fer your own good... and..please tell t' others it's fine if they ...stay away. That I'm askin' 'em to."

Terry shook his head again. "Wish I 'adn't've said anyfin'. Folks wouldn't know, then, an' we wouldn't 'ave this mess." He sighed. "I c'n... I c'n talk wiv the captain again, though I dunno it'd do anyfin'."

"No. Don't talk with t' cap'n or anyone. Anyone at all. That night I jus' got up on me own. Button. I wos' drunk.. s' why I thought it happened differently. But now I know. I got up.. I some'ow got up ter t' railin' an then stepped into nothin'ness prolly dreamin' I was climbin' over a fence somewhere's at home."

He knew Thompson was there, but he told him something similar already. "..So..don' you be tellin' t' capt'n no dream you mighta' had that night.. or anythin' later neither. Alright.. Terry? Promise?"

He folded his thin arms across his narrow chest. "I already telled 'im, though I didn't know no names then. Reckon I know both of 'em now, though. One for certain-sure."

"Button, lissen ter me. Wot' you saw was probably yer dreamin'. ..I did it on me own. Climbed up an swam. Nobody took me nowhere's." De Guarde spoke persistently. "Somebody think yer know somethin' and want ter point fingers at names, an ye'll be swimmin' fer real...couse they won't want ter take t' blame.. fer somethin' that's me own fault."

"Wasn' your fault, an' I know what I seen - an' I ain't a-sayin' anyfin' to anyone what can't do nuffin'. Specially I ain't sayin' anyfin' to them. I ain't... I ain't stupid, whatever Mister Foxley says." He cuffed irritably at his eyes and glared stubbornly at de Guarde. "Folks shouldn't get away wiv stuff like that. Ain't right."

"Button. That's life. ..an'.. honest. I tole you. I did on me own. Wot' you saw was prolly' what you dreamt 'bout..It was my fault. An' that you was picked on. That wos' me fault too.. couse if I hadn't said that you be left alone nobody would much think of it...but couse I did.... you became a target.. an' I didn't mean it."

He sighed, studying Button. "It will be sorted soon, ok. You don't need to worry. T' mess'll be over with. That'll be nice , won't it?"